Saturday, September 05, 2009

Breasts in Mourning

Giving birth to a stillborn baby or losing an infant is something I hope I never have to face. On top of the emotions of grief and mourning that accompany losing a child of any age, a mother's body also must learn that her baby is gone. Her hormones are primed for mothering and nurturing and lactating, but there is no baby to comfort, no infant to nurse.

In a piece called Breasts in Mourning, Penny Lane writes about how pumping and donating her milk became her lifeline when her third baby died soon after birth. She has since given birth to two more living children.
Five years ago this Saturday, I gave birth to my son Lyric, who eleven days later would leave this earth. During his short life, I pumped milk for him knowing he would have limited use for it; however, lactating was what I needed to do. I needed to smell sweet milk, feel the fullness of motherhood, have my mind distracted by the responsibility pumping requires, and I needed to care for something, even if only my electric breastpump. After his death, I seemed too focused on my loss to focus on weaning or changing my routine. Lactating was a constant for me, a reminder that this nightmare was reality. I was not loosing my mind. Yes, I was a new mother with empty arms.
Month after month, she kept pumping. She donated her milk to mothers whose milk supply had dwindled, to women dying of cancer, to a paraplegic law student wanting to help his immune system, to mothers receiving radiation therapy.
Ten months I pumped and donated. I wrote prayers on the bags of milk that were shipped throughout the Midwest, east coast, and southern states. I felt as if I were given opportunity to nurture and Lyric was given a legacy. In no way did I feel a hero. I needed to lactate. My body longed for it. I believe today that this allowed my body to grieve on a different time table than my heart and my mind. I don't know that had I weaned immediately and lost the comfort provided by my mothering hormones, that I would have survived this tragedy. As my pump died out at ten months, I was ready to set it down and move on into the next phase of my life.
Penny is not just any woman, no stranger whose online writing caught my interest. She was the midwife who witnessed my son's birth four months ago. I wonder what kind of strength it must take to be a midwife after losing your own newborn. Or to become a mother again, knowing that you can never take life for granted.

Other links on milk donation & lactation after loss:



17 comments:

  1. Wow! I have no words to say except wow. That is an exceptional story.

    ReplyDelete
  2. That is beautiful, what a wonderful gift she gave to others in need. Thanks for sharing her story.

    ReplyDelete
  3. At first glance at the title, I thought this was going to be about the eponymous study released last week ,about the physiological response in a mother's body when she chooses to bottlefeed instead of nursing. Also an interesting topic.

    But this was much more. Wrenchingly beautiful. Thank you for sharing it.

    ReplyDelete
  4. She probably makes a wonderful Midwife. Because she can realize all aspects of birth.

    I appreciate you writing about it. So many folks will not discuss it.

    ReplyDelete
  5. That is a beautiful story. It's almost like choosing to donate a loved one's organs when they die. Thank you for sharing this.

    ReplyDelete
  6. This brought tears to my eyes. Big time.

    I lost my first daughter to SIDS. I remember before we even left the hospital my left breast started letting down all over my shirt. I had fed her from the right side a couple hours before she died. By the time I got home, both breasts were leaking all over the place. The next couple of weeks in addition to dealing with the emotional pain of saying goodbye and going on with life without her, I also had to deal with wearing tons of breast pads and trying to find a position to sleep in because my boobs hurt so bad and not being able to accept hugs from people when i really needed them because it was just sore. I wish I would have known about donating milk.

    ReplyDelete
  7. As a NICU nurse I unfortunately deal with many moms who lose their babies. I often wondered how mom's deal with their postpartum bodies after the loss of an infant. Rixa, do you know if there is a specific organization that collects donated breastmilk from grieving mothers?

    ReplyDelete
  8. I don't know if there is any milk donation organization for mothers who have lost babies; I only know about MilkShare, which is just a breastmilk donor organization in general. It would be great to see MilkShare develop part of their website specifically for grieving mothers and to do outreach to NICUs, hospitals, grief counselors, etc to make this option known. Anyone up to contacting MilkShare to get this going?

    ReplyDelete
  9. Niecey, I am so sorry...I can't imagine how hard it must have been to lose your daughter.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I read one story of a mom who lost a baby to SIDS. She said that when her breasts leaked in the shower, she felt like her body was crying with her. That image has stayed with me and this post reminded me of it.

    ReplyDelete
  11. After the unexpected news that I was going to deliver a still born son at 32 weeks pregnant, I was in shock. He was my first and I had no idea what to expect. The last thing on my mind was lactating. I remember coming home from the hospital and getting ready for bed. I took my bra off and could see my breasts fill in the mirror. I was so, so sad and the engorgement I felt over the next couple of days was a constant reminder of what I had lost. I distinctly remember sitting at his funeral and feeling my rock-hard, burning breasts and thinking I was not going to make it. Well meaning friends, family and medical staff warned me not to express any milk because it would prolong my agony, so they said. Since then, I have had two successful pregnancies and two wonderful nursing experiences. I can only wonder what might have been if I had know about possibly sharing my milk. Thanks for sharing this.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I happened to be friends with your midwife at the time that this happened. Her story is one that truly has touched my heart, and I believe needs to be shared. It is a way of healing that is not often spoken of. I am so happy that she has had two new babies! I had not heard about her fifth birth yet.

    ReplyDelete
  13. This is beautiful. I exclusively pump for my 8 week old girl, and while I mourn our inability to breastfeed sometimes, reading stories like this make me realize how blessed I am. I stand in awe of your midwife. Blessings to her.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I just found your blog through your sling website (they are beautiful by the way!!).

    Thank you for sharing this. It is beautiful and incredibly touching.

    ReplyDelete
  15. What an amazing story. I can't imagine the strength of this woman. I agree with Pinky, she must be an incredible midwife.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Amazing story thanks for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
  17. When our son died, I looked into this. I looked into it, after I asked anyone and everyone what to do when my milk came in, and got pretty limited information.

    It wasn't an option in Canada, but this sounds like a great idea.

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...